Reflect 2012 vs. 2022

10 years ago, I probably still didn't come to realize what I wanted for life, so all that I devoted to, worked hard on and manifested is to flee away from Taiwan AGAIN and luckily meet someone I love in New York to choose me, to validate my values. And then, I'll be fine and we'll both live happily ever after. the best part is I'll never need to come back to Taiwan, the most bleak place filled with merely pains but no hope at all. 

I saw those sentences from a journal which carried lots of my tears and sorrows in 2019 when I first went on my healing journey and tries to work with a therapist. 

Determined and goal-oriented, I did make it to go back to New York 7 years ago, although with all those unheated wounds from my childhood traumas and a series of unsolved traumatic events in the past, I only sought love as a means for escape, a cure for mending all my wounds. When I finally thought I found the person, I gave him all my heart immediately and dropped everything I had wished to achieve and were still working on in order to earn his forever love & secure out relationship.

Long story short, despite we had been through lots of ups and downs in life and seemed to grow more intimate and trustworthy with/for each other over time, the end still inevitably had to come. Throughout what we had intertwined our lives together, there were good moments and positive growth...although there were also countless drama triggers, disagreements, and fights, leaving me tearing (almost every day at some point), wounded, empty and hopeless to a degree that I just can't take it anymore.

I made every single plan based on "us"; "me" no longer existed. I lost my identity, dreams and self-esteem. I forgot who I used to be. And I can't stand to see myself in the mirror every day: unhappy, insecure, needy and loathing+blaming myself for what has happened in my life to this day. I feel stuck.  

When I look back, I understood it's my chronic fear of being rejected and abandoned that propelled me to be so desperate and so delusionally hopeful at the same time. I thought if I succeeded in love, I'd be the best version of myself, I'd be charming, and I'd be invincible. The hard truth very difficult to swallow now is I was still abandoned...but this time by no one else but me. After all those years' hard work and getting back to my feet 7 years ago, I'm back to ground zero in 2022. 

Even heartbroken, I'm truly grateful I can now clearly see my patterns and how my love addiction caused by having not been seen, heard, and loved in my childhood have impacted me enormously and negatively. I was never being treated with gentle care as who I was, unless I complied with and did whatever people told me to. No one bothered to tend my needs, wants, and emotions; my words and feelings were nor important or worth listening to. I learned from a very young age about "love is conditional" and "I'm not enough for almost anything or anyone." Therefore, for my entire adulthood, I felt the urge to nonstop working 24/7 to he better, to be perfect. Only by doing so, I might have a good chance to make everyone around happy, satisfied. And in terms of that, I might be lucky to receive love, happiness and success in life. 

For decades, I never got to know why my love and efforts were all in vain. It was obvious no one would possibly accept who I really was if I showed them my true color. That left me extremely exhausted, doubtful and about myself day in and day out. Eventually, all those low self-esteem and toxic thought patterns led me to so many of my mental health problems and addictions I later on discovered in my life and took great efforts to continue to heal.

I felt it's unfair that I was ALWAYS the only one to blame for everything. I had to constantly reflect, apologize, admit my faults and correct myself or fix the problems on my own again and again. I felt ashamed, disappointed, broken, anxious and so tired of being "the me" which everyone desired but no one cared for. Yet, all I did every day was to keep on being miserably trapped in that toxic cycle for years which I had no idea how to leave.

I'm glad and relived I got that from-nowhere courage to make the brave, right decision to take a break from love and to come to myself.

Yes I'm still grieving the old me and the love we had together were gone/had to go; yes I'm still disoriented not knowing what's the proper mindset to hold and what to do with my life when all my previous plans fell apart; yes I'm still missing him and in love with him while feeling sad yet positive about life ahead at the same time, but I just can't put up with the relentless distress and fear of losing myself even more. I'm afraid very soon, I won't recognize who I am and will begin to resent the rest of my life about not pursuing all what I deserve.

Thank you, the Universe for the divine intervention. Thank for consistently being with me and providing me endless sacred guidance, protection, support, love, abundance, and MAGIC as usual through all tiny beautiful signs I'd easily get access to in every moment. Thank you for giving me a second chance to come back to myself. 

Thank you, Elliot Adam, Mel Robbin, Morgan Harper Nichols, Steven Barlett, Dr. Whitney Goodman, @thefemalewarhol, Dr. Nicole LePera, Dr. Judith Joseph, 樂高維他命, and Lalah Delia for your enlightening, soothing and very wise sharing of your beautiful souls and services to the world.

Thank you, my beloved ones who never cease to provide me with wholehearted and unconditional love, company, encouragement, and help. Thank you all for seeing who I really am, my values and my charisma and being with me through thick and think, good or bad times. 

I'd love to affirm myself today: "I'm worthy of the same love I give."~ Morgan Harper Nichols.

Sometimes, I do get the same old pains and frustration when my love goes  unnoticed, not treasured, or not reciprocated. Now I'm learning more to let that resentment go and simply focus on the lessons I'd seize from all my love experiences.

None of my love and devotion will go waste, though it might just take time to blossom or reward my life in an unexpectedly magical and spectacular way/form I'd never imagine. So, no more regret, only I also don't want to wait or put my life on hold for anyone, anything, either. Now, I'm allowing things to unfold organically at their own pace. I'm more patient and gentle with myself as every day, I am becoming more of myself, authentically, beautifully, and unapologetically.

Here is a little retrospect message and reminder of "New Beginning" I wrote for my New IG account @luminouslights a few months ago: It hit different yesterday while reading it again in the midst of a major world crisis and my personally life struggles. I was able to more resonate with that specific epiphany of "leaving the old behind+embracing the new" coming to me.  

新開始牌卡希望你明白，今天和近期這份屬於你的新的領悟，將會持續導引你和鼓勵你走在正確的方向上，特別在猶豫不決要挫折躲避走回頭路，或者慣性墜回相信自己不值得和自己不夠好的窠臼時，給自己一個牢牢的抓附提醒，理解到永遠唯唯諾諾與順從他人的報酬獎勵，就是大家或者人人都喜歡你，但你並不愛自己; 因為你背離了自己的原則和真實感受，只一味想迴避衝突和意見不一致。更何況，新的創意、豐盛極及愛正在你眼前等待時拾去取!

如果安全感或害被遺棄，是你經常的恐懼與課題，請再花時間慢慢修復你的海底輪(root chakra)平衡，每天及定期安撫你的內在小孩，告訴他(她)，一切都安好，你和他(她)現在都安全，也被深深關愛著。 

Photo Courtesy: @lilyrose, @secret_ny, @nicolettacarlone, @pieraluisa, @vogueitalia, @vimahouse, @therockettes, @linda_lomolino, @spiritdaughter, @marioncrampe, @luminousstarlights, and @the_aa_effect